Fuck Fitness

Fuck fitness. I don’t want to hear about your diet, I don’t want to hear about your trainer, and I don’t want to hear about your active lifestyle. I’m 27 years old and metabolically blessed, so stop exercising my ear with that noise.

The whole point of civilization and technology is to preclude the need for physical labor. We didn’t invent the wheel so that you could walk everywhere — walking is a snub of the legacy of your ancestors, fit people. And without the need for physical labor, all you have left are vain gymanistas who work out to attract a mate, under the pretense of enlightened living.

You know what’s enlightening? War and Peace. People ask me if I want to go running. I say no, tonight’s my night to read Tolstoy.  But hey, you go concentrate on moving your legs back and forth. I’ll focus on conserving energy and exercising my mind.

You think Stephen Hawking hits the treadmill? Fucking no, he’s too busy answering the great questions of the universe. Or making guest appearances on The Simpsons. The man has his priorities straight.

I guess what I’m saying is that working out is a poor use of my time. You know, not high value like blogging.

Plus you know it’s a total hot-bodied ego-fest at the gym, and as any drunk will tell you, a six pack makes you stupid. It’s not that beauty and brains can’t go together, it’s just that once you have the former, you don’t need to use the latter anymore. And as a fitness freak would say, if you don’t use that muscle, it will atrophy. Thus we have a bunch of hot looking slow people running around, distracting us with their god-like bodies and silly conversation.

It’s not just that vain people are dumb, they’re also unforgiving. The start sites like beautifulpeople.com where they can meet other gymbags with similarly uninspired personal priorities. That’s why I’d rather have a fat genius than a stupid beanpole any day.

I do end up dating a lot of fat guys. Besides the fact that their bellies make music, they’re always game for some recreational eating. With a hot-bodied guy, I’ll disappoint him inside a week.

I dated a beautiful guy once, and the first time I got naked for him, he said to me, “you know, you can get laser hair removal nowadays.”  I said are you for real?  Do they perform plastic surgery of the personality yet?  Cause if not, then I guess there’s no helping you.

Then I thought, I should sleep with him anyway. Because sex is the only exercise that I get!

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2 comments so far

  1. Bill on

    You make me question my sexuality.

    Speaking of, in the same vein:
    http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/where_do_homosexuals_get_all

  2. nariposa on

    Strangely enough, I make straight men question their sexuality too.


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